Buckle Up Buttercup Its Gona Get Ruff

Oh my gosh, I must be dying.  I found paired up socks in the laundry, my paired up personal socks in the laundry room.  You may not think this is a big deal but let me tell you IT IS A BIG DEAL, especially today.

It all started yesterday.  I cooked the best fried catfish ever, accompanied with crock pot white beans that had simmered all day long, hush puppy corn bread (like hush puppies but shaped like square cornbread).  I think the secret to a most awesome tasting catfish was the garlic olive oil I had made days earlier.  Oh my goodness, the aroma was divine.  I had never made infused oil before and had no recipe I just had a thought.  (that may be my famous last words)  I only put one clove of mashed garlic in, sat it near the stove and in four or five days it produced something out of this world.

The next day I decided I wanted all my girls (BFF’s) to have this too.  I thought why stop with garlic oil?  I will send a set of three oils.  I found awesome little empty wine bottles and cute little tops that would be perfect for giving.   I jumped on the internet to see what would go into an italian infused cooking oil.  And that is when one of the worst days of my culinary life started falling apart.  Spread across the screen in big bold letters were the words: NEVER, NEVER TRY TO INFUSE OIL WITH FRESH GARLIC N-E-V-E-R!

Wha?? But it taste so fringing good and so easy to do.  I read further to find out why..why could I not do it?  Instantly after reading the article,  my head starts pounding, my stomach is churning,  I break out in a cold sweet,  nausea digs its heels in; I am certain I am going to  become a vegetable with a droopy eye, slurred speech, and paralyzed possibly on a ventilator.  To put it mildly,  I WAS FREAKING OUT.  I called our local doc.  ANSWER MACHINE.  I called my son at ST Jude Hospital in Memphis.  I tell him to ask a doctor about it.  He says, “Mom you will be okay.  I got to go back to work.”  I called Hubs….silence. I started  SCREAMING.  It turns out he accidentally hit mute.  He gets back on and says, “You are okay just relax.”  Nothing they could say would console me. NOTHING.

You see garlic is of course from the earth.  All earth grown food has the capacity to give you botulism if not washed and prepare correctly.  Also, botulism grows at an outstanding rate when no oxygen is available.  Oil and air don’t mix.  There is no air in oil.  A colossal breeding ground for  the bacterium Clostridium botulinum.  ARRRFFF!  It said it multiplies faster when left out of the refrigerator.  It had been 4 or 5 days sitting beside the STOVE.  OMG I am going to die.  WAIT!  Everyone ate the fish!  I HAVE KILLED MY FAMILY!  OMGosh.  I got all weak inside.  I felt a fainting coming on. When will our inevitable death from mommy’s garlic concoction kill us all?  Symptoms could start as quick as 6 hours or take as long as 96.   Oh great, that is just frigin’ great, a slow death.

I head home from work and straight to the bathroom.  By the way, that is where I spent most of my working hours too.  I am convinced I have Botulism.  “Do I have a fever?”  I ask Hubs every 10 mins.  I run from one end of the house to the other checking for fevers or upset tummies from the rest of my family. Oh Lord help me. Help US.

Hubs is being very understanding and patient with me.  Patient with me?  What in the world is going on?  Are we dying  and Hubs does not have the heart to speak the words?  Does he not want me to know? This is so unlike him to be so, so  genuinely caring and understanding.  I fall asleep with the thermometer in my mouth.

Fast forward to this morning.  Hubs wakes me and ask how I feel.  I tell him my tummy is still a little queasy but no headache and I think my brain has rebooted to normal but I am still worried.  I ask him how he is.  He says fine.  He leaves early for work and I get ready too.   And that is when I see my socks.  All nicely folded.  Hubs Folded My Socks.

Back in 1991 Hubs and I had a few heated words regarding his socks.  It seems I put a black and a navy sock together and he wore them to work.  It pissed him off so bad he came home with the Yells.  I promised him I would never and I mean never put two different colored socks together again.  And I have never put two different sock together ever again to this day; because I STOP doing his laundry.  I never put anything up or together again.  And with that Hubs told me he was never doing my wash either.  In fact, I would have to be dying for him to even consider ever again doing my laundry or putting my socks together. And up until today he never has.

There it is folks.  I am dying because the Hubs folded my socks.  If I am lucky I still have 3 more days.

This my friends is a TRUE story.  There is no way to just make this crap up so laugh if you may. But please pull out that prayer chain people and put us on it.

50 thoughts on “Buckle Up Buttercup Its Gona Get Ruff

  1. My gawd woman, you are too funny. I’m with you, the infused garlic oil sounds so good. I try not to worry, ’cause I’m sure we eat bad stuff all the time around here, but no one ever gets sick, and no one ever folds my socks. As a matter of fact, just before I read this, I was gathering everyone’s dirty laundy from off the floor, the beds, the bathrooms, everywhere but the laundry basket, and I’ve made 3 ginormous piles in the hall. Looks to be at least 5 loads there. And I decided I’m so tired of doing this for my family. I think it is damn close to time that I make everyone do their own laundry. It just freaking NEVER ends. I really needed a laugh, and you were so timely in providing it. Bless you!

    • Hey Lynne, The oil was out of this world. Who woulda thunk something so aromatic could be so deadly?? Happy laundry day, by the way. Keep doing the kid’s laundry. You only have a few year that you can hold, smell and check those pockets then they are gone….hopefully for good, not dead mind you just gone. If you have a Hubs, now is the time girl jump the basket and hand him the detergent.

  2. I’m so sorry, but I can’t stop laughing. Its not that its funny, OMG its terrifying. Its just that you wrote it so well I could see every second of it. I didn’t know where you were going. Is she really going to write a cooking post? Then BAM! From the moment it hit until . . . I don’t know when I’m going to stop laughing.

    I got to go. I have a friend having a bit of a bad day and this is going to fix her right up.

    Thanks, Birdie and please don’t die. I say that with the most selfish motives. I’m having so much fun and don’t want it to stop.

    • Hey there Miss Demure, Ya know my daughter can psych herself out at the drop of a pin. It takes a lot for me to convince myself that I am going to die and take the rest of my clan with me. But I did it. And I swear I am still not convinced that I don’t have only 70 hours and 23 mins. left. Thanks for letting me know you enjoyed it. I did want to deliver with a humorous tone BUT find the Prayer list ,honey, grab the prayer list and pray me out of this mess.

  3. Writing this post was the best thing you could have done. It seems the chances are pretty slim that the garlic would have the bacteria for botulism. By saying that it does, you decrease the chances even more, because how likely is it that both things are happening: the bacteria is there and you say that it is? This is similar to what I do when I drive across a bridge — if I think it’s going to collapse while I’m on it, really, what are the odds? You’ll be fine.

    On the other hand, if you don’t reply to this comment, I’ll understand.

    • Coming from a man with Mostly Bright Ideas I will choose to believe you. However, my tummy is still upset this morning. No one else in the house is sick and we all ate the same thing. I only have around 24 hours to go before I can officially stop worrying and get back to life as usual. Thanks for putting a little calm in my day 🙂

    • OMGosh you are right! What a concept. I don’t even think it has been done yet. Of course, there has to be a twist at the end. Maybe that is the part where I come in and find myself on the slab beside my victim. Maaahhhhh ahhhhaa hahhha

  4. Okay, okay, okay! I’ve said some special Novenas for you and yes, I’m laughing and yes, you will LIVE!!!!! This post is brilliantly funny. Sure, not the sympathy you might prefer but you will live and your garlic infused oils won’t kill you.
    Thanks for the heads up though as I was going to make some myself… 🙂
    Now pass the catfish! 😆

    • Oh no, no I was defiantly not looking for sympathy. I mean I did it to myself with my own stupidity. I was genuinely looking for prayers. Of which, I think you so very much for yours. I had psyched myself out so bad I thought if I wrote about it, it would help me to make light of it all. I do feell better but I still have about 24 hours to go until the all clear.

    • Hi Sister, You would think that the fridge would be able to keep it good but you would be wrong. It is said you can get a few days of use, as in two, but that is it. Apparently it is the moisture in the garlic that starts all the bad stuff. It said to use dried herbs and garlic or to cook the garlic in the oil strain then store in the fridge. I guess the moral of the store, if there is one, is to NEVER have a thought which is what lead me to this horror.

    • Dang it Rita! Just when I was starting to feel better you go and get my worry all in an up roar. “hope it’s not your last?!” No really I appreciate the info on the heat. I did see that when reading up on it EVER SECOND OF EVER DAY. But I was still worried because it said it must reach a certain temp to kill it. I live at 9,000 ft. Our boiling point for water is far less than everyone else. I have no idea how hot my oil got. Is it the same as heating water? Can the oil even get hot enough to kill it or did I have enough heat for long enough? OH THIS IS JUST GREAT now I am getting freaked again. Come on Monday Afternoon. I see you are at 18403 words. Keep it up. I check almost daily.

  5. You have just panicked me! I preserved some jalopenos and added garlic cloves. **@s they weren’t cooked! PErhaps, I will give it to my firends husband who is having an affair.

    Just joking!
    but the part about the garlic IS true.
    think the jar of J’s is destined for the bin!

    • Hi Piglet, I am so glad you stopped by. I think you are okay unless your jalapenos are packed in oil. It said something about putting Vinegar in with the oil. OH HECK I don’t know. And for Gosh sake don’t LISTEN TO ME! I almost killed my family. Hey on second though,t send them to your friends husband. I won’t tell and maybe it will be the best thing that ever happened to your friend. J/K not.

    • I have scheduled a post for tomorrow at 12:35 just in case I don’t wake up. 🙂 I feel fine. And I feel a little stupid too for doing such a dumb thing and then FREAKING out. But better to have knowledge and die fighting like hell than to die stupid and not see it coming……….or is it? Thank you for caring fierce.

  6. I just had to check on you and make sure you are still answering comments. Hey, I once drank Mr. Clean . . . of course it wasn’t on purpose! It was one of those “could I be a bigger moron” moments. I always have a bottle of something to drink close at hand and while cleaning with intense concentration, I grapped the wrong bottle. You’d think anyone would spit it out the second it hit their mouth, but no. The point is that despite feeling really ill for, well, forever, eventually, I recovered. But then I didn’t serve it up to my family. No, you’re gonna pull through. I’ll be back tomorrow to check on you.

    Just a thought . . . Try calling the Poison Control Center . . . 1-800-222-1222 . . . they might have some suggestion as to a counteragent or something that might help.

    • Oh my goodness Miss Demure, what a wonderful soul you are! Thank you for really caring. It is 8:33 at time of typing and I feel better than I have felt since I did the stupid thing.

      MR. CLEAN? Oh my, it just shows what a passionate person you are. You have a most powerful guardian angle. I think I am going to like being your blogging buddy.

  7. Wow. This is a hoot. Not your pain, but the way in which you’ve revealed it. And, secretly (‘though now it’s no secret) I am always a little relieved when someone is willing to publicize their…angst?…neurosis? Whatever. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone! We all go off the deep end from time to time–and rise again to the surface!

    • Hey there dancer! Well unfortunately I live in a state of neurotic bliss. It use to bother me but as I have aged I have decided what the hell. I am who I am and I am perfectly okay with it. I love getting older. 🙂 I do so love your quote, We all go off the deep end from time to time–and rise again to the surface! Words to live by.

    • I laughed my butt off when I read your comment! Leave it to you to bring me back to earth! We hardly ever fight so YES I do remember the words of madness. So much so, I FREAKED out when I saw the folded socks. It really messed with my head. I mean, we have not touched each others cloths for 20 years. What was I suppose to think?

    • Joe, It was one of the best meals I have cooked in a very long time. There was not a morsel left on anyone’s plate. Normally we have leftovers but nothing this time. Boy, I am glad that was not our last meal. It was good but if I get a chance to request a last meal it will be…..Lobster and Escargot from the casino in Biloxi, Mississippi. YUMMY

  8. Hi JM, I do try to be as funny as possible BUT this time I was trying to type my way out of being scared to death. It must have worked because I managed to make myself stay at home instead of forcing everyone into the car for a 2 hour drive to the hospital emergency room. Thank you for the comment and the visit.

  9. Oh dear. Great story, and a good lesson in using the internet for medical diagnosis as well, because Lord knows heat and oil and raw garlic are the foundation of Italian cuisine and have been for thousands of years. Sometimes the botulism police get in wrong, in my opinion- otherwise I am positive my father’s experiments with food processing would have killed my entire family and hundreds of others. The socks… oh, the socks. Such a source of marital conflict in my life. Anyway great post. -kate

  10. Hi dear Kate, I believe it is as Rita said, the heat did indeed kill the bacteria that causes botulism. It is not the garlic that causes it, it is the moisture in the fresh garlic that produces the little bugger that kills. I am sure your dad had this information and made some great oils using dried herbs or straining the fresh ones. I am so happy he was more informed than I was and that you are still here among the living 🙂

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  13. You are going to be SO MAD AT ME for not seeing this post previously, because I could have TOLD you that you weren’t going to die. And it’s not just because I pretend that I’m a scientist at work. Nope.

    In 1974, I was hospitalized for excessive pooping. I was young. I was scared. I knew I was going to die, because they had placed me in a 4-bed hospital ward (yup they had WARDS back then) with three dying old ladies. Why would they put me (at 17) there if I were not going to die.

    But I fooled them. I didn’t die. Even though I was on the death ward.

    I presume that you are on the mend, and not dead, because I have seen newer posts and comments and “likes” on mine and other blogs. And I”m glad. Because dead people smell much worse than garlic.

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