Whacked out Wednesdays: Legs,,,Long Long Legs

Main characters D – Daughter, M – Me, H – Hubs

D – “Mom?”

M – “Yes”

D – “Did you see the message someone left on your phone?”

M – “You mean the screen saver that said, Good Morning I see the assassins have failed. Yes, I saw it and it sort of freaked me out. That is until I remembered seeing you pick up my phone as I was going to bed. Shame on you.”

D – Uncontrollable laughter

M- “Listen, you need to get your bath earlier tonight cause I am going to take a nice steamy bubble bath and I need all the water I can get. It is going to be a to the top jacuzzi night for me. And I want no interruptions for ANYONE.”

D- “K”

40 minutes later the shower running.

Ten minutes later, I see Daughter walking like a drenched zombi down the hall. Totally naked with dripping hair, soap on half of her body and glazed over eyes the size of silver dollars.

My immediate reaction was a horrid feeling in the pit of my stomach. I jumped up and ran to her to see what was going on.

M – ” Oh my god, what? What is it”

Her hands were trembling.

D – silent

M – ” DAUGHTER! what is wrong?”

D – (wee little voice) ” I.. I ..I ..I saw it.”

M- “What? Saw what?”

I ran to the bathroom and searched behind the door, out the window and in the hamper. Nothing. I turned off the water and ran back to her. Daughter now on the floor shaking uncontrollably.

M – WHAT?

I am now starting to get mad as all get out. I want answers.

D – ” I was siting in the shower shaving my legs. Something out of place caught my eye. I looked down and….and…

M – WHAT? WHAT?

D – That glazed eye look again.

M – “Honey what was it?” (softer now trying to reach her)

D – “Mom it was legs, hairy hairy legs.”

What the hell?

M – “Your legs?”

D – “NO! I saw hairy legs poking out of the holes of the drain cover. I kept watching and then two more legs crept out with a body attached!”

uncontrollable shaking, teeth chattering —-(oh that was me). Daughter was numb and still.

M – “WHAT?”

D – “Mom, a spider came out of the drain and it is still in the tub…..get it out!, Get It Out!,GET IT OUT NOW.”

M – “Okay, Okay, geez scare me to death next time won’t ya?”

Daughter has had a life long fear of spiders. She stopped taking baths because spiders would fall down on her in the water or they would hide in the jets of the tub. She would turn on the jets and out would come spiders trying to cling to her for dear life. She would be screaming her face off and scrambling to get out of the soapy tub. Not good.

I grabbed a paper towel to remove it. I don’t believe in killing anything unless I have to. Boys that bring my daughter home too late would be a have to.

M – “Okay where is this humongous spider? Daughter, I can’t find it.”

D – “Look at the drain cover or under the seat.”

M – “Why in the world can’t you just get over your fear of spiders. I swear when I was your age I was scared too but I willed myself to not be afraid of them. I am not always going to be here to remove spiders for you. Listen little girl you better learn how to put your big girl panties on and deal wit…..”

heart racing, eyes bugging, going to faint! (that would be me again)

D – “Mom?”

M- silent

D – “MOM?”

M – “Daughter call your dad. Call your dad NOW.”

D – “Dad, DAD, DAD, DAD!”

H – “What the hell is going on in here? You people are making so much noise I can’t hear the TV. Why are you behind the door and in the floor? Why are your eyes so big? Why are you shaking? What is going on?”

M – points to the tub

D – points to the tub

H – DAMN!

A Wolf Spider and Yes it is as big as your screen. It would fit from finger tip to end easily. How in the world did it crawl of of the drain cover?

H – squishes it

H- “Gross” (walks away)

D – Gag, gag (audible)

M – woozy and still on floor

D- “I am going to rinse off in your shower come with me.”

M- walks behind Daughter in a bit of a dazed.

D- “Thanks mom” (Daughter disappears)

I am thinking now would be a great time for a bath. And a glass of wine.

I run the water all the way to the top. Get in. Relax. Wonderful hot steamy water to soak away the tension of the day. All I needed was bubbles. I turned on the jets and poured in the soap.

M – (Scream! Scream, Scream)

D – “Mom what’s wrong, what is it? Let me in!”

open the door. Daughter walks in.

D – “See I told you. That is why I don’t take baths any more.”

Six surfing Wolf Spiders clinging to me for dear life.

(Lawd, where is that bottle?)

I read whatimeant2say the other morning and it reminded me of our encounter. I thought I would share both of our stories.

Happy Thanksgiving All

aMusing Monday: WOW, It Is True!

I love those scented softsoap shower gels. Not only does it make your skin feel great, they can make bubbles for miles in a jetted tub; and they have an aromatherapy effect that can rival any spa. Really, I can’t say enough about them. Tonight I needed a memory to kick in so I could stop fretting about what to write for the blog.  It seems there are two sure fire ways to get my mind in gear and that is a snow storm or a warm bubble bath……..

The bathroom had a heavenly aroma of cucumber with melon and pomegranate oil. The bubbles were at least 18 inches high.  The dogs opted out of the bath time show tonight so there were no worrisome whines to get in the tub with me. Nothing at all to cloud the mind.

(insert cricket sounds here…no really you need to make the sound) 

I could not get my head in the game. My mind was blank.  It was not long before my eyes came to a rest on the faucet to the tub. I got to thinking about those old television shows and movies.  You know, the ones with the hot chickie in the tub and she has her toe stuck in the faucet. How in the world does a real person get their toe stuck in such a large opening? And so starts the stupidity of it all.

I tried it. I stuck my toe in and out it fell.

Hummm.

It entered my mind that if this were Myth Busters (a TV show about science), they would keep trying until they proved it to be plausible or busted.  At that moment, I decided to really give this as much effort as Jamie or Adam would have given it on their show. I schooched down a little bit to get a better angle and poked it back in.

Nothing, it fell right back out.

I wiggled down more and crammed my toe way in there and left it. It started to feel like it was going to work. I left it for a few minutes longer, then it hit me. If my toe really does get stuck, my husband is going to have to help me get out of it. The first 10 years we were married he thought I was one of the smartest women alive. ( I…am was a fantastic actress ) In the last ten years he has changed his mind. It appears he might be right because the next thing I do is pull my toe and it’s stuck.

WOW it’s true!

No problem, I will just relax and it will fall out. NOT. I laid there thinking about this situation I got myself into. I think, maybe it is like Chinese handcuffs. So I push it in further! Yeah, not like Chinese handcuffs. It now hits me I am really STUCK. I can’t call my husband I just can’t! I decide to stand up. That in itself was a little bizarre. Arms and legs flailing in the air trying to stand with one foot stuck and soap bubbles everywhere.  Finally, I found myself standing but I was at a loss as to what to do. I thought maybe if I can twist the faucet upward, then I could pour some of that Pomegranate oil in the space between my toe and the metal. To get it facing upward, I had to turn toward the back wall.  This was both good and bad.  I could now reach the oil at the back of the tub but I found myself in an awkward position when I tried to apply it to the hole.  I finally figured it out, poured it in and waited.  About that time, the dogs started frantically scratching the door trying to get in.  I guess all the splashing to stand up gave them some cause for alarm.  I had to calm them down but I couldn’t get to the door to let them in.  What to do?  Someone was going to hear them and come to find out what all the panic was about.  Two minutes into their frenzy, I hear tippy tappy, tippy tappy, footsteps are coming my way.

A feeling of dredge over came me with every approaching foot step.  I start pulling with all my might to get my toe out.  The sound was getting louder and heavier.  It went from tippy tappy, tippy tappy, to thump tap, thump tap of dead weight. It was a walk of purpose.  A forceful walk on a mission.    OMGosh, it was my husband!   NO, NO, NO.  Terror starts to over take me.  It was all I could do not to pee myself and then… time slowed ddd ooo www nnn.   I started seeing things in slow-mo and could barely hear the approaching doom.  In true Macgruber style, I grabbed the belt to my robe slid it under my ankle and gave it a yank  to end all yanks.  Power that I have not felt since I was a young adult overcame me. And just as the door knob starts to turn, out it pops and down I go.

The dogs rush in frantic and panting.  My mind regains its focus and I  scrambled to grab my robe when all of a sudden the door closes. I never saw a face.  Who ever it was did not even bother to poke their head in.   I put my robe on and poked my head out just in time to see my daughter turning the corner and hear her  mumble that she was tired of hearing the dogs beg for me day in and day out.  “Why do I have to DO everything?” she said as she turned out of sight.

Such relief!  Not only is my toe free, free, free at last, but my husband will  never be the wiser.

I have to say this experiment proved VERY pausible!  I will never try that again! 

Now, after telling you all this, I feel I need to get in there and do something smart in front of my husband!

Bye yaw

aMusing Monday: WOW, It Is True!

I love those scented softsoap shower gels. Not only does it make your skin feel great, they can make bubbles for miles in a jetted tub; and they have an aromatherapy effect that can rival any spa. Really, I can’t say enough about them. Tonight I needed a memory to kick in so I could stop fretting about what to write for the blog. It seems there are two sure fire ways to get my mind in gear and that is a snow storm or a warm bubble bath……..

The bathroom had a heavenly aroma of cucumber with melon and pomegranate oil. The bubbles were at least 18 inches high. The dogs opted out of the bath time show tonight so there were no worrisome whines to get in the tub with me. Nothing at all to cloud the mind.

(insert cricket sounds here…no really you need to make the sound)

I could not get my head in the game. My mind was blank. It was not long before my eyes came to a rest on the faucet to the tub. I got to thinking about those old television shows and movies. You know, the ones with the hot chickie in the tub and she has her toe stuck in the faucet. How in the world does a real person get their toe stuck in such a large opening? And so starts the stupidity of it all.

I tried it. I stuck my toe in and out it fell.

Hummm.

It entered my mind that if this were Myth Busters (a TV show about science), they would keep trying until they proved it to be plausible or busted. At that moment, I decided to really give this as much effort as Jamie or Adam would have given it on their show. I schooched down a little bit to get a better angle and poked it back in.

Nothing, it fell right back out.

I wiggled down more and crammed my toe way in there and left it. It started to feel like it was going to work. I left it for a few minutes longer, then it hit me. If my toe really does get stuck, my husband is going to have to help me get out of it. The first 10 years we were married he thought I was one of the smartest women alive. ( I…am was a fantastic actress ) In the last ten years he has changed his mind. It appears he might be right because the next thing I do is pull my toe and it’s stuck.

WOW it’s true!

No problem, I will just relax and it will fall out. NOT. I laid there thinking about this situation I got myself into. I think, maybe it is like Chinese handcuffs. So I push it in further! Yeah, not like Chinese handcuffs. It now hits me I am really STUCK. I can’t call my husband I just can’t! I decide to stand up. That in itself was a little bizarre. Arms and legs flailing in the air trying to stand with one foot stuck and soap bubbles everywhere. Finally, I found myself standing but I was at a loss as to what to do. I thought maybe if I can twist the faucet upward, then I could pour some of that Pomegranate oil in the space between my toe and the metal. To get it facing upward, I had to turn toward the back wall. This was both good and bad. I could now reach the oil at the back of the tub but I found myself in an awkward position when I tried to apply it to the hole. I finally figured it out, poured it in and waited. About that time, the dogs started frantically scratching the door trying to get in. I guess all the splashing to stand up gave them some cause for alarm. I had to calm them down but I couldn’t get to the door to let them in. What to do? Someone was going to hear them and come to find out what all the panic was about. Two minutes into their frenzy, I hear tippy tappy, tippy tappy, footsteps are coming my way.

A feeling of dredge over came me with every approaching foot step. I start pulling with all my might to get my toe out. The sound was getting louder and heavier. It went from tippy tappy, tippy tappy, to thump tap, thump tap of dead weight. It was a walk of purpose. A forceful walk on a mission. OMGosh, it was my husband! NO, NO, NO. Terror starts to over take me. It was all I could do not to pee myself and then… time slowed ddd ooo www nnn. I started seeing things in slow-mo and could barely hear the approaching doom. In true Macgruber style, I grabbed the belt to my robe slid it under my ankle and gave it a yank to end all yanks. Power that I have not felt since I was a young adult overcame me. And just as the door knob starts to turn, out it pops and down I go.

The dogs rush in frantic and panting. My mind regains its focus and I scrambled to grab my robe when all of a sudden the door closes. I never saw a face. Who ever it was did not even bother to poke their head in. I put my robe on and poked my head out just in time to see my daughter turning the corner and hear her mumble that she was tired of hearing the dogs beg for me day in and day out. “Why do I have to DO everything?” she said as she turned out of sight.

Such relief! Not only is my toe free, free, free at last, but my husband will never be the wiser.

I have to say this experiment proved VERY pausible! I will never try that again!

Now, after telling you all this, I feel I need to get in there and do something smart in front of my husband!

Bye yaw