Buckle Up Buttercup Its Gona Get Ruff

Oh my gosh, I must be dying.  I found paired up socks in the laundry, my paired up personal socks in the laundry room.  You may not think this is a big deal but let me tell you IT IS A BIG DEAL, especially today.

It all started yesterday.  I cooked the best fried catfish ever, accompanied with crock pot white beans that had simmered all day long, hush puppy corn bread (like hush puppies but shaped like square cornbread).  I think the secret to a most awesome tasting catfish was the garlic olive oil I had made days earlier.  Oh my goodness, the aroma was divine.  I had never made infused oil before and had no recipe I just had a thought.  (that may be my famous last words)  I only put one clove of mashed garlic in, sat it near the stove and in four or five days it produced something out of this world.

The next day I decided I wanted all my girls (BFF’s) to have this too.  I thought why stop with garlic oil?  I will send a set of three oils.  I found awesome little empty wine bottles and cute little tops that would be perfect for giving.   I jumped on the internet to see what would go into an italian infused cooking oil.  And that is when one of the worst days of my culinary life started falling apart.  Spread across the screen in big bold letters were the words: NEVER, NEVER TRY TO INFUSE OIL WITH FRESH GARLIC N-E-V-E-R!

Wha?? But it taste so fringing good and so easy to do.  I read further to find out why..why could I not do it?  Instantly after reading the article,  my head starts pounding, my stomach is churning,  I break out in a cold sweet,  nausea digs its heels in; I am certain I am going to  become a vegetable with a droopy eye, slurred speech, and paralyzed possibly on a ventilator.  To put it mildly,  I WAS FREAKING OUT.  I called our local doc.  ANSWER MACHINE.  I called my son at ST Jude Hospital in Memphis.  I tell him to ask a doctor about it.  He says, “Mom you will be okay.  I got to go back to work.”  I called Hubs….silence. I started  SCREAMING.  It turns out he accidentally hit mute.  He gets back on and says, “You are okay just relax.”  Nothing they could say would console me. NOTHING.

You see garlic is of course from the earth.  All earth grown food has the capacity to give you botulism if not washed and prepare correctly.  Also, botulism grows at an outstanding rate when no oxygen is available.  Oil and air don’t mix.  There is no air in oil.  A colossal breeding ground for  the bacterium Clostridium botulinum.  ARRRFFF!  It said it multiplies faster when left out of the refrigerator.  It had been 4 or 5 days sitting beside the STOVE.  OMG I am going to die.  WAIT!  Everyone ate the fish!  I HAVE KILLED MY FAMILY!  OMGosh.  I got all weak inside.  I felt a fainting coming on. When will our inevitable death from mommy’s garlic concoction kill us all?  Symptoms could start as quick as 6 hours or take as long as 96.   Oh great, that is just frigin’ great, a slow death.

I head home from work and straight to the bathroom.  By the way, that is where I spent most of my working hours too.  I am convinced I have Botulism.  “Do I have a fever?”  I ask Hubs every 10 mins.  I run from one end of the house to the other checking for fevers or upset tummies from the rest of my family. Oh Lord help me. Help US.

Hubs is being very understanding and patient with me.  Patient with me?  What in the world is going on?  Are we dying  and Hubs does not have the heart to speak the words?  Does he not want me to know? This is so unlike him to be so, so  genuinely caring and understanding.  I fall asleep with the thermometer in my mouth.

Fast forward to this morning.  Hubs wakes me and ask how I feel.  I tell him my tummy is still a little queasy but no headache and I think my brain has rebooted to normal but I am still worried.  I ask him how he is.  He says fine.  He leaves early for work and I get ready too.   And that is when I see my socks.  All nicely folded.  Hubs Folded My Socks.

Back in 1991 Hubs and I had a few heated words regarding his socks.  It seems I put a black and a navy sock together and he wore them to work.  It pissed him off so bad he came home with the Yells.  I promised him I would never and I mean never put two different colored socks together again.  And I have never put two different sock together ever again to this day; because I STOP doing his laundry.  I never put anything up or together again.  And with that Hubs told me he was never doing my wash either.  In fact, I would have to be dying for him to even consider ever again doing my laundry or putting my socks together. And up until today he never has.

There it is folks.  I am dying because the Hubs folded my socks.  If I am lucky I still have 3 more days.

This my friends is a TRUE story.  There is no way to just make this crap up so laugh if you may. But please pull out that prayer chain people and put us on it.

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Fundamental Fridays – Elementary My Dear Idiom

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Have you ever wondered where idioms come from? Not idiots, they are born.  I am talking about idioms.

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id·i·om Noun/ˈidēəm/

1. A group of words established by usage as having a meaning not deducible from those of the individual words (e.g., raining cats and dogs).

2. A form of expression natural to a language, person, or group of people: “he had a feeling for phrase and idiom”.

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Okay, the word idiom has been defined but how in the world were they coined?  My daughter hates it when I use idioms.  She complains that she has no idea what I am talking about.  Recently, I  found a few south western idioms that I am not familiar with and I too have no idea what they are talking about.

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For example: 

Slicker than two snails porking in a bucket of snot.  (There was another word used instead of porking but I chose to change it.  Where did this saying come from? )

Or how about this one –   “If ya don’t know awhere’s you’re a goin’, it’d be a good idea not to use your spurs.”   (What does that mean anyway?  I would like to think it means be kind to all, but, who really knows?)

Or  –  “sucking the hind tit”, (What the heck?  Is there an order when it comes to tits?  Is the hind tit the good one or the bad one?  And is this referring to a cows tits? I am so seriously confused)

A few of these western idioms I have never heard before, but I can understand them. 

Don’t squat with your spurs on.  (yep, that one I get)

If all his brains were dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow his nose.  (Yep, I have met folks like that)

If you ain’t making dust, you’re eating it. ( I got this one)

How about, Don’t be a woman that needs a man, be the woman a man needs.  (well I got news for the idiot that coined that phrase.  If we women knew how to deal with the crap a ma….    aahh, never mind )

Now, southern idioms make perfect sense to me.

I’m going to knock you into next week.  (this, to me, does not need explanation.  Is this even an idiom?  It does not even feel like an idiom)

Even a spotted dog looks black at night.  (this means things will look better in the morning)

  That dog won’t hunt.  (meaning it just ain’t going to happen)

The southern language is laced with  hidden meanings.

Ima gunna see a man about a dog.  (that means you don’t want anyone to know where you are going and you don’t want them to follow you)

She is such a lady. (the old saying is, you should never call a lady a b!*ch but you can always call a b!*ch a lady)

And my favorite and probably the most used –   Well, bless your heart.  ( most of the time that means you are stupid or something else that I absolutely will not write.) 

In the south, a minute – is more like a few hours ( that is not too far off from  mountain time)

Around the bend – is about 10 miles from the turn in the road ( 40 miles in the  mountains)

Directly – is when ever I get around to it (they don’t say directly here in the mountains)

Feelin’ poorly – that is southern code for I am hung over. (folks here on the mountain just tell it like it is.. I got a hang over)

And, down yonder –  can be as close as a few feet to as far as the next state. (they don’t say that here either but I sure do get a lot of flack when I use it).

If you can’t run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.

If I were any better, I would not know what to do with myself.

If I were any better, I would still be in the bed.

OMGosh, I can’t stop.  How did I get off on this tangent???

I gota stop.

Until next time, practice your idioms not your idiot-ism.