September | 2023 | life is a bowl of kibble

I received a notice that someone liked my post from 2010. Oh my gosh. I took a moment and reread the post only to find myself laughing way to loud. Writing was a way for me to examine my life and how I experienced it. I thought to myself, why am I not still writing? I had no excuse other than I have not slowed down long enough to look at my world.

Yesterday my friend Audrey posted a meme on her face book page. I could relate and I proceeded to tell a tale that may or may not be the complete unexaggerated truth. Don’t get me wrong, The part about a vaca in Santa Fe, twigganator and a pool of blood very true…. the scissors, my daughter stone cold face oh yes very, very true. Everything else, is a little iffy.

I thought maybe this might be a good tale to start writing again.

Back in 2015 I started having really bad back problems. Walmart had just come out with this awesome torso body suit (like Skims but cheaper). I got one and immediately noticed a relief in my backaches. ADDED BONUS!! It made me look like Twiggy… I know, I know I just aged myself. Gurllll I was freaking toned from back boobs to a$$!.

Fast forward last May. Me and the kid went on vaca (Santa Fe whoot whoot). I wanted to look good without any of the work. I took my Twigganator with me. 2nd morning in and I am feeling good! I am feeling sexy and over the top happy. I AM GOING TO WEAR THE D.R.E.S.S. You know the one. Neat, Trim, sexy, yep that one. I started putting one of my newly shaven legs in. Oh yes, I shaved for this moment. I got one foot in and it had a reaction to my calf that made me take a step back. It was not as I remembered it back in 15. I reasoned it was because I washed it a couple of times, and we all know what happens with hot water and what it can do to spandex, right???? I stretched and pulled and made deals with the devil just to get it to my knees!!!

I AM WEARING THAT DRESS.

By the time I got it over my boobs, about 40 mins later, I realized I was stretched so deep into the fibers that there was nothing left to give but the skin that surrounded my freakishly FAT body. I finally conceded to this realization and started to remove the Twigganator. OMG! I could not get this thing to budge. I really, really tried to just adjust a tiny section of it…ya know right were it was starting to break through the skin. Yes, right were the little drops of blood were pooling.

PANIC.

Daughter walks in.

HELP ME.

Her reaction.. “Ha right” (stone faced)

She went down to the front desk and ask for scissors, of which no one had. I finally remembered I always have a tiny pair in my glove compartment. She races back up and finds me on the bed with a big fat, red balloon face looking like a pimple ready to pop.