Five things or How Did They Get Here?

Five things I learned last month:  I learned that even the best laid plans can change.  The best thing to do is just tuck & roll with it until you see what you bump into.

I learned that my Stella may be braver than I thought.  She got her ear pierced…in the cartilage part.  They told me to come into the punchering room with her but after a quick scan of the waiting room I said “H3ll no!!! I will wait.  There is no one here big enough to pick my rather large caboose up off the floor, thank you.”

I learned that my 14 year old female Chihuahua’s can still go into heat and our neutered male has no idea that he lost his marbles around 1 year  old.  If I were a scientist, I would be learning how to bottle that libido.  I can see dollar signs.

I learned that twitter is not for me.  I might be too old for it. I am long winded and it is sort of like talking to my husband. It refuses to let me finish my sentences!

And finally, I learned that no matter how old you get your life is rich when you have someone to share it with…………….

But How Did They Get Here?

While waiting on my car to be fixed a little old man and little old woman walk in. She can hardly stand or walk.  Her steps are mere inches apart.  It took her a good 15 minutes to walk 25 feet.  Her little legs have bruises and sores on them.  He is much much quicker and races ahead to open the door for his honey.  They finally get in and set down in the waiting room.  After a few seconds the Mister says to the Wife, ‘Honey where are we again?’  She reminds him they are at the car dealership getting their vehicle repaired. 

Umm. 

She gets all settled in and whopped out her crossword puzzle and he asked, ‘Honey where did you say we are again?’  She looks annoyed and yells at him,  ‘IN THE WAITING ROOM.’  He looked enlightened but embarrassed.    A few minutes later he says, ‘There she is honey, there she is.’  Wife looks around the corner surprised at the speed in which they repaired the damage.  She looks back at him again with the eye.  She then informs him, ‘We drove the truck in today. That is not our car it is not even the right color.’  She went back to her crossword he twiddled his thumbs.

All of a sudden I realize he is in the throes of dementia.

‘Honey, I have to go to the bathroom.’  She gives him directions.  When he stands up she grabs him and informs him he forgot to zip his pants this morning.  She then gave me the eye, I divert my gaze to escape her daggery stare.   She grabs him by the waste, and fixed his britches like he were a kid, then sends him on his way….. alone. 

Time passes and he is nowhere to be seen.  I start getting a wee bit nervous but my eyes remain fixed on my newspaper.   Correction my upside down newspaper.

He returns and sits down again. ‘ Honey,  did you say we are at the doctors office?’  She ignores him.  Then she says, ‘My legs are hurting so much today.’  I take a quick glance to see her poor little swollen legs, ugly.  She tells him she is going to take a pain pill and with that she gulps a couple  down in one swift swallow.  He says, ‘Okay dear what ever you need.’

A PAIN PILL!  Then all of a sudden it hits me,  My lawd,  how in the world did they get here and more importantly how are they getting home??

Two hours, one more trip to the bathroom, and many more questions later the car Tech brings them their keys.  The tech tells them they had to order one little part so they will have to bring it back.  Apparently, they damaged a part near the opening of the gas tank when they drove off with the nozzle  still installed in the tank!  I thought that only happened in the movies.   Mister asked Wife, ‘Honey would you like to drive this time?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO DRIVE THIS TIME????? Lawd help us all.  

My tech has just walked in and tells me basically the same thing.  My part has to be ordered and I will have to return.  NO, I did not run off with the pump.  We are all standing there getting our stuff ready to roll but I just can’t leave until I find out who is driving!  I sit back down acting as if I had an important text to take care of and waited.  Unfortunately, the Wife is so slow in getting out of the waiting room that my presence was starting to look a little odd so I went to my car.

Wait for it….wait for it.  Mister and Wife emerge.

q-utecouple

He is holding on to Wife’s little arm then all of a sudden he shoots off toward the truck yelling , ‘SHOT GUN!’   This truck is not just any old truck, it is a Monster Truck with a 3 foot lift kit and monster tractor tires on it!  Needless to say, I was in shock.  Wife was left to hobble behind.  She finally made it to the truck and stood there.  Her Mister jumped out of his seat ran around and hoisted her up into her seat.  He then ran back to his side, jumped in and  away they drove off both wearing grins!

Until next time, keep looking for the fun in life with the ones we have.  Because even if our love ones drive us crazy, they also could be the ones that drive us home….with a grin.

qball

QB and her reaction
to my quiche.

WIW

Last winter I lost a little bit of weight then put all but 3 pounds right back on again in the summer.  I know, I know, winter is when we gain summer is when we lose.  However, I am not

Oh No, here comes Time

Oh No, here comes Time

your typical women.  This year I wanted to try it again especially after finding out I could not wear a thing in my closet from last year’s weight loss.  This time I changed it up a bit.  Every Wednesday I post to my Facebook a picture of my scale WITH MY CURRENT WEIGHT.  No excuses.   I call it Weigh in Wednesday or WIW for short.  I am hoping the embarrassment of potential  weight gain will keep me on the straight and narrow path…only time will tell.

I can’t decide if the universe is against me or trying to reward my good behavior.  You see, once a month I get a BK whopper Jr at 340 calories, dollar fries at 97 calories and a water.  It is one of my four weaknesses wine, chips and salsa are the other three.  Today was my BK Burger day. I ordered it and through it over to the passenger side then went to the office store Staples. As I was headed back up the mountain, I grabbed the bag and noticed it was a regular whopper.  I decided I could eat half and throw the other half away. WELL, it turned out to not be a regular whopper but a double pattie, cheese burger, bacon with all the trimmings, with mayonnaise oozing out of every crevice,  plus jalapenos, Whopper, and the bag held a large fry in the corner!  I later found out it was called the TEXAS BURGER.  It had to have weighted at least 4 to 5 pounds.  OH DANG! Did I eat it? HELL YES, but not all of it and no fries. Well maybe 5 large fries but that was it.  And I had almost 3/4ths of  the big Tex.  I had to stop at the gas station to throw that temping beast of a burger away.  But as I walked over to the trashcan I was cramming as many bites into my pie hole as I could get.  It was the most awesome burger I have ever had in my whole life.  The thing is, I was not starving at all it was just that fantastic.  And now I will be spending the rest of my life trying to get it off my hips. Well lord, if that was a test….I failed deliciously

Wednesday mornings comes way to fast.   So far I have lost 4 of these blobs and it took me forever!

This is one pound of fat.

This is one pound of fat.

Pay Phone

ClassicTelephoneBoothLast night daughter and I were  coming home from a day of shopping and dinner.  On the way up the mountain we were listening to the Top 20.  The song “Pay Phone” came on the radio. I asked her why in the world would they call it that? Kids nowadays have no idea what a pay phone is. We then started talking about how different the world was back when I was a kid.  It was a few minutes later when Stella  asked,  how in the world did y’all remember all those telephone numbers?  I laughed and told her you can do anything if you put your mind to it and if your teacher put the fear of God into ya.  I tell her back then you had to know your phone number by heart in the first grade.  They would go down the line several times a year and have you tell your phone number, date of birth, and address.  If you were wrong, it was curtains.  Then I started telling her I could still remember my phone number from when I was in 1st grade.

Genuinely and without skipping a beat, Stella asks, 1?

Funny but so mean!

The Mid-night Riders

MIDNIGHT RIDERS.   Sounds cool, right?    Well, it was anything but cool for me.

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I went out of town for a few days with the girls.  While I was away, Hub grew a beard and signed me up to take the kid, Stella, on a midnight run to Alamogordo.  He prepaid for the early release of Assassin’s Creed.  Early release… as in 12:00 am Tuesday morning.  You could just imagine my surprise when I walked in the door and I was greeted by a bear and a kid tickled to death to be “with the geeks” , her words not mind.  From this point on, I will be referring to my Hub as Bear.  There is now not one spot covered with hair except the top of his head 😉  And I will think of myself as olden.

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It is rare that you see Stella excited about anything.  Oh she knows how to laugh but prefers to make us believe she never acquired that skill.  It is a teenager thing or so I have been told.  Tonight however she through caution to the wind.  She smiled and giggled a little devilish giggle all the way down the hill.  I on the other hand, was downing my third cup of coffee, wiping my eyes and yawning at about every mile marker.

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At 9:00 pm we jump in the car.  The instructions on the receipt  said to be down there by 10:00 to get a ticket.  I am wondering how in the world this kid of mine can talk me into things like this.  About that time, I remembered it was Bear that got all this started.  Truly, I was okay with it all.  I love to see her happy.  An hour later we are pulling into the parking lot.  The parking lot is full of people.  Some were dressed as characters from the video (Stella was in that bunch) others barely dressed!   They were from 16 years old to me, and believe me that is a huge age span.  We  go in and get a ticket.  We were assigned line two.  Normally I am the center of attention with my out spoken personality but not tonight.  It became very apparent that my time had come and gone.  These young people had twice the energy and double the stories to tell and they all had something in common that I had no clue about ……Assassin’s Creed.  I listened for a while then tucked my tail between my legs and moseyed on back to the car. I watched Stella from the driver’s side.  She was in her element.   It is hard to watch her grow up but also very rewarding.  I grabbed my phone and tried to convenience myself I was still young and hip.  I mean heck, I had a smart phone and I knew how to use it.

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On the way home she must have noticed I was feeling a little left out because we talked about history.  Assassin’s Creed is a game involving history from the Revolutionary War to the Civil War and beyond…at least I think that is what she said.  It did the trick.  I was not feeling so rejected.  If there is one thing I know about it is history. I mean I practically lived it according to the kid!

Thought for the day:  The most aggravating thing about the younger generation is that I no longer belong to it. … Albert Einstein

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What The Heck Is This Pony Tail Doing Here? or I’ll Get You And Your Little Dog Too!

Warning: this post may not appropriate for young viewers or men or women with weak stomach or anyone with a fear of Chaetophobia and or Gerontophobia. It contains grossness, in a gross way… also as in repel, revolt, freakness and or disgust.  You don’t want to read this.  Okay, you have been warned.  This courtesy warning was brought to you by Legs,,,, long, long, legs.  I found out quickly that gross types of post need to carry some type of rating system.

Yesterday while I was driving down the mountain, I started sorting out the evils of the day, when all of a sudden I felt a tickle.  I gave it a swipe and forgot about it. On the way back home I had to crank up the heater fan to warm these old bones and that is when I felt it again. I flipped down the mirror but saw nothing. For 40 miles I worried with this occasional flutter.

That night I was walking to the bathroom to do my night time routine and I felt it again. Earlier in the day, I had looked in the rear view mirror several times to find the source of this irritant but it was not to be.  Then I thought, maybe I am having a stroke.  I don’t have time for a stroke!    Nope it had to be a hair or a spider web.   I was bound and determined to find the source of this annoyance. So I started feeling all over my face. I finally  found it. It felt like a string attached to my cheek…maybe with syrup. Hey, it could happen!  As my fingers fondled this string, I noticed it was about a mile long. Well, that is what it felt like but in reality it was only about 3 inches long (that is around 7 cm for the rest of the planet).  How in the world did a 3 inch string get stuck on my cheek with syrup and managed to evade my searching eyes?   I ran to the bathroom mirror to get a better look.  I quickly found out it was not a string at all it was a hair, however, this was no ordinary hair. NO! Oh no, it turns out it was a cluster of little locks. ON MY CHEEK!  And there was not a hint of syrup anywhere.  This mane was attached with FOLLICLES.  I had a sinking feeling this was going to be one of those, your getting way old, moments so I locked the door and stared at the reflection before me. How in the world could a CLUSTER of hairs be growing on my cheek at a measurement of three inches with out somebody, anybody noticing.  I am not talking where the cheek meets the hair line. I am talking right in the middle of my cheek!

Wait, maybe someone did notice but was afraid to tell. OMG.

The shame of it all.

I began contemplating how to handle this. To shave, would open Pandora’s box. You remember don’t you? Mom always said if you start shaving your hair will grow back twice as dark, twice as fast, and twice as much. Twice as much?  That would be 6 inches!  No way was I going to shave it. After what seemed like hours of agonizing scenarios,  I decided to wrap, yes that is what I said, wrap it around my finger and yank that frigin’ pony tail right off my face.

And I did.

Remove the pony tail.

Hurt like no bodies business.

Son of a Bisquick eater!

OUCH.

To add insult to injury, literally, I was really surprised to see that it was not blonde. It was not even dirty blonde.  It was a painter’s palette of several shades of  gray strands;  some were so gray they were white, others were shimmering in the bathroom light and still the others were just plain old gray with a bit of character to them.  By character I mean, kinky little wiry hairs some stiff as a board others just waving in the wind.  It was a pony tail,  I tell ya, of mixed origins !

That is me third one from the end

I guess I should thank my lucky stars that I did not have a Papa Smurf beard.  And after further inspection I did not find any sign of a fu manchu, goatee, mutton chops, soul patch (okay my mind just went somewhere it should not have gone), or any other volume of hair worthy of the Y chromosome.  I did notice a bit of a ‘stache on the upper lip.  I’m going to have to keep an eye on that.

In conclusion: I am finding out that growing old comes with a few perks but it also carries with it a few surprises. So check out your face daily.  Take it from me, no one is going to want to tell you about that full-on pony tail you got growing on the side of your jowl.

Move over Wicked Witch of the West there is a new gal in town. (insert wicked laugh here)