I must confess #1,200,201

I received a notice that someone liked my post from 2010. Oh my gosh. I took a moment and reread the post only to find myself laughing way to loud. Writing was a way for me to examine my life and how I experienced it. I thought to myself, why am I not still writing? I had no excuse other than I have not slowed down long enough to look at my world.

Yesterday my friend Audrey posted a meme on her face book page. I could relate and I proceeded to tell a tale that may or may not be the complete unexaggerated truth. Don’t get me wrong, The part about a vaca in Santa Fe, twigganator and a pool of blood very true…. the scissors, my daughter stone cold face oh yes very, very true. Everything else, is a little iffy.

I thought maybe this might be a good tale to start writing again.

Back in 2015 I started having really bad back problems. Walmart had just come out with this awesome torso body suit (like Skims but cheaper). I got one and immediately noticed a relief in my backaches. ADDED BONUS!! It made me look like Twiggy… I know, I know I just aged myself. Gurllll I was freaking toned from back boobs to a$$!.

Fast forward last May. Me and the kid went on vaca (Santa Fe whoot whoot). I wanted to look good without any of the work. I took my Twigganator with me. 2nd morning in and I am feeling good! I am feeling sexy and over the top happy. I AM GOING TO WEAR THE D.R.E.S.S. You know the one. Neat, Trim, sexy, yep that one. I started putting one of my newly shaven legs in. Oh yes, I shaved for this moment. I got one foot in and it had a reaction to my calf that made me take a step back. It was not as I remembered it back in 15. I reasoned it was because I washed it a couple of times, and we all know what happens with hot water and what it can do to spandex, right???? I stretched and pulled and made deals with the devil just to get it to my knees!!!

I AM WEARING THAT DRESS.

By the time I got it over my boobs, about 40 mins later, I realized I was stretched so deep into the fibers that there was nothing left to give but the skin that surrounded my freakishly FAT body. I finally conceded to this realization and started to remove the Twigganator. OMG! I could not get this thing to budge. I really, really tried to just adjust a tiny section of it…ya know right were it was starting to break through the skin. Yes, right were the little drops of blood were pooling.

.

PANIC.

.

Daughter walks in.

HELP ME.

Her reaction.. “Ha right” (stone faced)

She went down to the front desk and ask for scissors, of which no one had. I finally remembered I always have a tiny pair in my glove compartment. She races back up and finds me on the bed with a big fat, red balloon face looking like a pimple ready to pop.

.

SHE LAUGHS!

.

It is a good thing I am worn out. Long story short… she cut me out and I took a long nap. When I woke up the dress was no where to be seen.

Good daughter, good, good, daughter. See all those pretty vaca pictures never told the real episode.

Looking forward to getting my grove back.

Oh Christmas Tree (again, again, and again)

Well, well, well, you just thought you were going to get out of the ear tearing sounds of Oh Christmas Tree from me this year.  HA!

Please listen to the stylings of this youtube feature, while you read the lyrics to the THIRD annual massacre of “Oh Christmas Tree”

Open this link in a new tab to listen while you read.

Oh Christmas Tree, OH Christmas Tree

My thrift store find you are still with me.

Oh Christmas Tree, OH Christmas Tree

This is our second anniversary.

I found you on a concrete floor.

I picked you up ,took you out the door.

Oh Christmas, OH Christmas Tree

This is our second anniversary.

..

Oh Christmas Tree, OH Christmas Tree

You beat the heck out of a live tree.

Oh Christmas Tree, OH Christmas Tree

This year’s Christmas bait I will not be.

Two years ago I was dead meat.

This year I’m warming my chilly feet.

Oh Christmas Tree, OH Christmas Tree

This is our second anniversary.

..

Oh Christmas Tree, OH Christmas Tree

Last year you were a handsome tall snowman.

Oh Christmas Tree, OH Christmas Tree

This year I had no clue where to begin.

I built you up then plucked you out.

I saw three tiers and had some doubt.

Oh Christmas Tree, OH Christmas Tree

We celebrate our second anniversary.

..

Oh Christmas Tree, OH Christmas Tree

A topiary you shall be.

Oh Christmas Tree, OH Christmas Tree

Victorian era you look to thee.

With missing branches and no tree stand.

It was the only realistic plan.

Oh Christmas Tree, OH Christmas Tree

We celebrate our second anniversary.

My Big O’ Redneck Dog

Well by now you have met my dog Mutt, the wonder hound, as in I wonder what that button do?  She is of course my key to all things strange.  A chicken at heart but a watch dog when needed,

(OMG liar, liar pants on fire.)

A courteous eater with all others of the pack feed first and not a drop on the floor,

(burn baby burn). 

A toy sharing mongrel  that would give her last toy to her siblings,

(is that the devil I see coming?)

Okay, okay, she is a typical dog with typical jealousies.  She is extremely curious which has led to her being lost in the neighborhood for half a day, a million holes dug to find the critter that her big sis loved to eat, hours spent investigating leaves that fall to the ground .  Objects that have been moved from one place to the other fascinates her to no end.   And if there are any black objects that have magically appeared, ANYWHERE, you had better hold your ears because she will let you know it is there until  the alien of the dark side has been removed!    Then there is the, at one time, new washer and dryer.  She still watches it daily.  It holds a hypnotic power that can transform her from a hyper little 5-year-old to a sleepy old gussy. And this is where the redneck comes into play.

Mr. Moody’s recliner was the most used piece of furniture in the house.  All three dogs had their own con-caved perches on varies spots of the chair with Mr. M in the center. The smallest one on the arm, next one was located at the top of the head rest and the big dog’s spot was wedged in beside the master, but she hated to share.  Her ideal squatting spot was dead center and stretched out head to toe.  She would actually look at you and whine until you came over to recline the chair for her optimal comfort.  Both she and M, had worn the snuginess right out of the chair.  Holes as big as babies bottoms were worn between the seat and back.  Springs were poking where springs should not poke but her love for that chair was unmatched by any other piece of furniture.  So you could just imagine her surprise when the Mister came home with a great big object.

She watched him push, pull, and tug her little cloud of comfort out of its spot.  She then saw him struggle, drag, and scoot a rather large dark (but not black) thing into its position.  And that position was right where her old comfy sleeping station was just moments before.  Mr. M said she had her misgivings.  She crept up to it like it was alive.  When he pulled the lever to show her it reclined she shot out of the house like it was a feral cat  coming after her.

When I got home I was surprised to see the new VERY large double recliner.  It was nice and he could not wait to show me it was built for two.  In reality, it was made for two skinny people or one Mr. M and one large dog, but we managed to squeeze in together.  SuzieQ was barking and wanting up with us.  Jeff was already in his usual spot minus his cozy nest like feel.  Big girl was nowhere to be found.  Later that evening Mutt was still MIA.  I called her but she did not come in.  I looked out the back door and there she was.  She was back in her element, her comfy zone.

Ya see, Mr Moody moved the old chair on the back porch until the weekly trash run.  Mutt found it and staked her claim as full owner of the redneck backyard porch recliner.  Yes my dog is a redneck dog and loves it.  I know we should remove the porch recliner but it would just break her heart.  She has tried to share Mr. M’s new chair but he keeps shooing her out of it.  So the back porch chair will stay, at least until fall.  For the time being, my big old redneck dog can enjoy life once again.

You might have a redneck dog if  your canine likes to help you load the dish washer by licking clean each plate before it lands in the machine!

You might have a redneck dog if  “shot gun” means riding in the back of the pickup truck.

You might have a redneck dog if “Flying American” means its ears are flapping in the wind while riding “shot gun” on the highway.

And finally, you might have a redneck dog if it has its own recliner on the back porch of its very nice home.

Later Y’all

Ruthie

love is in the air

It all started on Friday of last week.  Mr. M parked his truck outside because the garage is full of summer vehicles i.e. riding lawnmower, golf cart and my car.  He just happened to peek out of the den window and saw several Bluebirds sitting on his truck.  Every once in a while they would fly around in a frenzy, cheep and then settle back down.  Everyday he would complain about this because not only were they sitting on his truck they were also leaving behind, umm let’s just say, they were white washing his ride.

When Mr. M told me about this odd behavior I was convinced they were eating the bugs off his windows and doors.  I suggested he wash it and he did.  Next day this happened again.  This time we went out together and washed it.  Within hours, there was a lone bird back again.   Mr. M was about fed up with the whole thing and threaten to remove my car from the garage and park his inside.  I finally walked over to the window to see for myself.  Immediately, I knew what was going on. It was not bugs at all.  After days of several birds flying all over his truck this little Western Bluebird was the only one left and he was still trying to court my husband’s truck.  To be more accurate, he was courting his own reflection!

He is a determined little fellow.  The wind has picked up to about 40 miles per hour and he is still courting.   Not only did he try to make out with the truck he also tried to join us in the den.  We were watching television when all of a sudden we heard a very distinct knock at the window and a little bluebird’s head peeping in.  WOW

Click on the link to see video I shot of the little love sick creature.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rh-rAingzHE&list=HL1365458093&feature=mh_lolz

Punch it Margret

The picture was a couple of winters ago.  That year we had around 154 inches of snow, or so we’ve been told.  I hate snow but I have to admit it was an awesome year.  At the time, I was not working for the Bird House.  I was helping Mr. M deliver mail.  Unfortunately, no amount of snow can stop the mail so we bundled up and left for work.  It was not long before we pulled up to a set of mailbox units.  I jumped out and put the mail into the respective boxes,  jumped back in the warm truck and make the comment of  how pretty this area was.  This is when I made a fatal error.  I asked, “What is up there?”  He says, “Let me show you.”  Mr. M is always excited to show me where he grew up.  So with a kooky smile, we were off.

We have a 4×4 so trudging around in the snow is not that big of a deal unless it is 4 feet high….which is was.  The area of interest was up a very steep hill and back in the forest.  Little did we know that the 4 feet of snow would soon turn into 6 feet. He kept fighting with the snow trying to get further back in the forest until we ran up a snowbank and that was that.  M gets out of the truck to assess the situation. We are stuck on a narrow road with a steep drop off on the passenger side…that would be my side.  Before we got stuck he was attempting to turn a corner so the truck was heading away from the cliff.   He tries pushing the rear of our 2 ton 4 wheel drive truck in a circle so we could drive out.  And as logic would dictate, it did not work.    He then tells me to get behind the wheel.  He says to put it in reverse and give it gas when he says go.  He then walks to the front of the truck and puts his shoulder into the grill and yells go.  I yelled back, “Are you crazy?  I will run over you for sure!”  All I could see was me backing over the edge and taking Mr. M over with me.   He practically screams at me, “JUST Punch it!”  I was instantly upset.  I slammed it into gear and I punched it!  Thank the lord above it did not work because I put it into gear alright, but I put it in DRIVE and he was in front of the truck pushing!  As soon as I realized what I did I felt like I was going to pee my pants.  I could have killed him and I was not going to let that information slip my lips.  I quickly put it in reverse and tried it again.  By now he is looking at me with disgust and wondering how in the world we are going to get out of this situation to finish our mail route.  The rest of the story is a little fuzzy but in the end we did indeed get out of the snowbank and turned around with Mr. M in one piece.

Contrary to what you may be thinking,  I did not do it on purpose just to prove how right I was.  Truly, I was in a daze and not thinking.  Between him pushing with all he had and the icy snow, my inability to run him over , did not cost him his life… this time.

Ruthie

Good to the last snort

Sixteen months ago my father passed away.  He had talked with me in the earlier years about taking his dogs if anything happened to him.  I said I would and that is how SusieQ came to own us.   When she got to us she was a 2 pound tea cup Chihuahua that weighed almost 10 pounds!  Her diet consisted of boiled chicken breast, hamburger and peppermint candy.  This is a video of her first introduction to hard dog food.  She doesn’t know what to do with it.

Just recently, she has not been eating her dry food because of her aging teeth.  We got her some soft food and she went crazy over it.  She was snorting so loudly it drew me into the kitchen  to make sure she was okay.  I called her name and she looked up.  Her little nose and mouth were covered with gravy.  I asked her if it were good and she looked at me snorted in then breathed out.  Gravy went spewing out of her nose and I swear she looked at me and smiled.  Then… she breathed in which sucked all the gravy that was left on her nose back right back in.   It was gross but she was so happy.  We still have her on the soft and every morning you take her breakfast she will show you her pearly whites.  I tried to get a video of her eating the soft but the nostril straw thingy was a one time only event and I missed getting it on camera.

Hope everyone is showing their pearly whites today,

Ruthie

Just in case

Just in case… the earth comes to an end tomorrow at 3:11 p.m. on who knows who’s time, I want to tell you all how much you have filled my waking hours with love and laughter.  I love to read your post and I have picked a great bunch of writers cause y’all can really make me laugh.

And after all this time we have spent together I have decided to tell you my real name.  It is of course….Queen, Queen of the Forest R’s, not a fairy, not an elf but a Queen I tell ya.

HA!

It is Ruthie and I am so happy to know each and every one of you VIA the blogosphere.

Good night my dear bloggie friends!

Merry, Happy, Wonderful Holidays.  Here is hoping to see you again tomorrow and for the many years after.

Cheers

Ruthie

O Christmas Tree (again)

O Christmas Tree (2012)

Last year, I rewrote the lyrics to O Christmas Tree to tell the tale of our/MY first real Christmas tree journey.   This year same music (click here) but with different lyrics.  Make sure to open in a different tab and just let the music run in the background.

 

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

I found you leaning against the wall.

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

You were whop-sided and about to fall.

We picked you up and brought you home

You had some parts that didn’t belong.

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

I found you leaning against the wall.

*************************************************************************************************************

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

Your odd sized branches wouldn’t fit.

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

I had to find a filler quick.

I had some batting and Styrofoam

A little paint I found at home.

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

Your odd sized branches wouldn’t fit

**************************************************************************************************************

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

A poofy snowman you will be.

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

I packed and roll you on bended knee.

I stuffed you full and filled your cracks

I lit you up and hung knick knacks.

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

A poofy snowman you will be.

*************************************************************************************************************

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

A better (thrift-store) find you couldn’t be.

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

You light my room and smile at me.

Your chubby belly is round and full

Darn, I forgot the scarf of wool.

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

A better (thrift-store) find you couldn’t be.

***********************************************************************************************************

Meet Mr. FROSTrEE my 20.00 thrift store Christmas tree.  I loved the adventure of finding a real tree but I prefer a faux one.

The Mid-night Riders

MIDNIGHT RIDERS.   Sounds cool, right?    Well, it was anything but cool for me.

.
I went out of town for a few days with the girls.  While I was away, Hub grew a beard and signed me up to take the kid, Stella, on a midnight run to Alamogordo.  He prepaid for the early release of Assassin’s Creed.  Early release… as in 12:00 am Tuesday morning.  You could just imagine my surprise when I walked in the door and I was greeted by a bear and a kid tickled to death to be “with the geeks” , her words not mind.  From this point on, I will be referring to my Hub as Bear.  There is now not one spot covered with hair except the top of his head 😉  And I will think of myself as olden.

.
It is rare that you see Stella excited about anything.  Oh she knows how to laugh but prefers to make us believe she never acquired that skill.  It is a teenager thing or so I have been told.  Tonight however she through caution to the wind.  She smiled and giggled a little devilish giggle all the way down the hill.  I on the other hand, was downing my third cup of coffee, wiping my eyes and yawning at about every mile marker.

.

At 9:00 pm we jump in the car.  The instructions on the receipt  said to be down there by 10:00 to get a ticket.  I am wondering how in the world this kid of mine can talk me into things like this.  About that time, I remembered it was Bear that got all this started.  Truly, I was okay with it all.  I love to see her happy.  An hour later we are pulling into the parking lot.  The parking lot is full of people.  Some were dressed as characters from the video (Stella was in that bunch) others barely dressed!   They were from 16 years old to me, and believe me that is a huge age span.  We  go in and get a ticket.  We were assigned line two.  Normally I am the center of attention with my out spoken personality but not tonight.  It became very apparent that my time had come and gone.  These young people had twice the energy and double the stories to tell and they all had something in common that I had no clue about ……Assassin’s Creed.  I listened for a while then tucked my tail between my legs and moseyed on back to the car. I watched Stella from the driver’s side.  She was in her element.   It is hard to watch her grow up but also very rewarding.  I grabbed my phone and tried to convenience myself I was still young and hip.  I mean heck, I had a smart phone and I knew how to use it.

.

On the way home she must have noticed I was feeling a little left out because we talked about history.  Assassin’s Creed is a game involving history from the Revolutionary War to the Civil War and beyond…at least I think that is what she said.  It did the trick.  I was not feeling so rejected.  If there is one thing I know about it is history. I mean I practically lived it according to the kid!

Thought for the day:  The most aggravating thing about the younger generation is that I no longer belong to it. … Albert Einstein

**********************************************************************

Once Upon an Enchanted Time

It was early afternoon and the birds were out with their delicate songs of beauty.  The air had a crispy nip and the sweet fragrance of pine danced upon the gentle breeze.  As I strolled along, I saw a forlorn and long forgotten road into what looked like an enchanted forest.  It was overgrown with foliage and had fallen trees blocking its path.  It appeared to me the trees had somehow downed themselves to deter humanity from entering.  Why would these tall timbers and little saplings want to keep this wonderland hidden?  Maybe because of the secret it was protecting. You see a long time ago a human with the ability to fly without feathers or wings hid a highly desired trove of riches. I not only wanted to experience the exquisiteness of this woodland area I was also after the elusive hidden treasure it cloaked.  It was hidden for only a select few to find… and I was hoping I would be one of them.

Beauty abounds in this little lost world.  I took my time gazing with dancing eyes into the Ponderosa pines and lingered among the colorful wildflowers.  The birds were fluttering around me in excitement and song.  I slowed to their melody of happiness. What a marvelous Shangri-La I had stumbled into.

I continued on my walk until I was halted by a fallen tree branch.  Ms. Offshoot had reached up and clutched my pants leg.  I am sure she only wanted to introduce herself to me.  However, the sun was disappearing. I had no time to stop and chat I had to find the hidden cache.   She must have been very lonely because in that brief moment she decided to introduce me to her closest and dearest friend Mr. Ground.  We had an engaging but brief chat then I was on my way again.

I found the treasure nestled at the bottom of a magnificent tree.  It was hidden within the exposed roots of a fallen tree.  Truly a splendid haven for such a monumental treasure filled with trinkets of silver, copper, pseudo gold, and synthetic dreams.  I took only a single object and bestow upon the vault a single gift in return.  I then thanked the tree for allowing me to spy its concealment. I returned the box and bid ado to this spellbinding Nirvana.

And as the story goes She lived happily ever after.

Now what really happened……………..

It was a beautiful morning.  Crisp air and a very steep uphill road was ahead of me.  There were so many birds squawking and talking it was almost deafening. The purpose of this day was to find the geocache and not come back without the find.  But still, I wish I would have had my NM bird book to identify some of the different songs and sounds. Sorry I sometimes stray off subject.  When I walked up to the entrance I saw a multitude of trees that had been felled.  They lay across the now non-existent road to prevent people from driving into the forest.    As stated before, I was absolutely determined to find this cache.  Earlier in the day I had walked over 6 miles for two caches and came up empty on both hunts.  The uphill climb was daunting but that would not deter me.  I had to find this one if for no other reason than to stroke my bruised ego.

In the storybook version, you might have imagined me in a long flowing dress… in reality; I was decked out in my camos, Indianan Jones hat, hiking boots and a walking stick.  In storybook land, I was practically floating on air in awe…in reality; I was laboring over forest debris and deliberately forcing my steps to get up and over the downed trees.  Remember Ms Offshoot gently clutching my pants leg?  She was actually entangled in the tie on my boot.  I was not going to let a little tiny branch slow me down so I gave a swift jerk while in full stride. Now this is where everything started going wrong!  My leg flung itself from the tangles of the branch only to find the end of my walking stick which was supporting almost all of my weight. The next thing I see was my stick flying through the air to gosh only knows where.  In that split second my brain starts to engage but it is seeing things in sssllloowww-mo.  In my head, I was screaming “YOU ARE FALLLINGG” and I was.  I was screaming “BRACE YOURSELF PUT YOUR HANDS UP STUPI…”  The thought never got a chance to finish.  Before the last syllable could be mentally formed, my face planted itself into her old buddy Mr. Ground.   I laid there face first and stunned. And when I said in the ground I meant it.

My front teeth were wedged in the dirt like a backhoe to a ditch.  After I freed my teeth, I laid there for a few moments collecting my thoughts then let out a meek and pathetic …”timber”.  I slowly rolled over to sit up then looked around for any observers.  Only the hundred or so birds were watching.  I must have been pretty entertaining because they were shocked into silence! Yep, not a peep.  I then noticed my boot and to my surprise it was still caught on Ms. Offshoot!  Don’t ask me how she could have hung on through all that! I then checked to make sure all my teeth were there.  To my delight, they were but they were sore, pushed back a little, and bleeding. I think I spit dirt for at least 10 minutes.  I checked my knees.  I knew there was a problem because my camo was sporting a brand new color.  RED.  Yep it was a doosy of a fall.

I then made a quick scan of my GPS to see how far away the prize was but the GPS had no signal.  I was not going home without this smiley! (that’s what they call a find)  I headed back up the hill and in short order found the grand treasure chest.  It was full of cool stuff.  I took a little something for the kid and dropped a travel bug. (that’s an item that travels the world from cache to cache with the help of geocachers like me)  Then I packed out of there and headed home to my own castle to nurse my wounds.  Next morning I COULD NOT MOVE.

As the ending goes. ”I lived happily ever after”

WHAT AN AWESOME DAY